[ Angelo listens with an intensity of attention he rarely bestows on anybody here. It feels bizarre to be relating to a being so ancient and so far removed from humanity, but Angelo cannot help but believe that the enormity of his own loss is an easy match even for that of a dragon. Such was the size of his Captain, after all. ]
... I wonder. I don't know if I want there to be.
[ Hwylryn shared his tale and that makes Angelo feel like he can give a little of himself up in turn. ]
It was my mother, first. She was broken in spirit, and I gave myself up to protect her. I knew she wouldn't return, and I still somehow held onto hope that she'd come home back to me if I held on long enough - that's the naivety of a child. She chose to fly from the second story balcony instead.
[ His burden, falling from him out of her own volition. How kind of her. How utterly cruel. ]
It was the Captain who gave my hatred a place to go. He pulled me from the filth that covered me and gave me a purpose. I was a loaded gun, and he was a trigger. This whole world... If anybody could have burned it down and purified it, it was the Captain, who was so far beyond humanity.
[ And the Captain died. Angelo could not protect him either. Even with larger hands, even with a giant weapon to pilot, he still had to lose the person who's back he was longingly watching. ]
... if not him, then who? I would have given up my life for him. My life meant nothing in the face of his enormity. Without him... What's a cause to die for? Ish took my chance from me.
( He had shared his own tale without expectation of anything in return - in many ways, he spoke only for himself. That Angelo returns with context of his own surprises him, but is not unwelcome. He has understood them to be mirrors in some way, but Angelo is withdrawn and curt. And so Hwylryn listens, his light silver eyes sliding toward Angelo with a sort of interest he's not shown before.
He sees in Angelo a loneliness that this Captain cured. His, too, Captain sounds like a wonderful man. Whether he truly was is irrelevant - what matters is that he was in Angelo's gaze. What matters is that his loss may as well mean the absence of earth beneath Angelo's feet. That is not so simple as throwing yourself to the rocks at the nearest opportunity - or they both may as well have, by now.
And these things, he understands.
Hwylryn is quiet, for a time. )
... Have you considered killing to earn a wish for his return?
[ What a thing to ask so casually, when answering sincerely might well lead to condemnation in the next carnival. There's a part of Angelo trained on self-preservation that smells a trap here first and foremost... but a larger part of him just doesn't care anymore. ]
Of course.
[ It can't be much of a surprise.
But then, there's something else here, something that he knows Hwy will understand with the same severity. ]
But even if I allowed Ish to taint the Captain with his magic... would he want to return?
( "Taint with his magic"... that's something that resonates with Hwylryn - a creature comprised of it.
He smiles a little wryly, at the questions.
He shakes his head. )
... I saved him from death the first time. Just barely, just barely... and he resented it. Maybe I did as Ish did to you, to me - I robbed him of a reason worth dying for. I took from him his pride. And I reduced him.
Balthazar... I believe he loved me, so he did not condemn me as much as he should've. But he did. And he hated it. And he hated himself. And I... I never wanted that for...
( He swallows, closing his eyes. Not for Balthazar.
Proud, noble, violent, unstoppable - the most magnificent in all the world, to Hwylryn. The best there had been since Gwawlyn's passing - a sort of idolatry he would not pass on lightly, and did not for thousands and thousands of years, until Balthazar came along. )
... It must have been why Balthazar was so ready to find a cause to die for again. He must have just been biding his time.
( At least - that's what he's come to understand from his conversations with the people here. And it hurts, more, to assign himself this guilt, and shame.
It's enough to wish he lacked the reservation to end his life the coward's way. )
... So I cannot wish for Balthazar and Gwawlyn. And I don't know if I could recommend it for your Captain, either.
( And so he understands Angelo, in this regard.
He exhales softly. )
... If it were that easy to turn back time... for him, or any of us... I'm sure Ish would have done it for his goddess.
[ It's difficult to not see himself in Ish with this specific element. A goddess, a mother - an existence so essential to your being, someone who gives you purpose and direction, someone who fulfills you.
And this is exactly why he's been doubting that Ish can give him Frontal back at all. Leaving him aimless, purposeless, empty but living. ]
And so we remain without a cause to live or die for.
( What else is left but this soft admission of defeat? He feels too fragile to live, but too prideful to die. He's at odds with need and necessity. There is no world where - Gwawlyn or Balthazar return, again.
And yet. )
... Have people tried to tell you to live on, anyway, too?
[ Because Angelo is unpleasant and curt and angry, someone difficult to get along with. He hasn't made close ties in his time here by virtue of just who he is, the perfect opposite of Hwylryn who likely could not have helped forming some amount of bonds. ]
It's all platitudes anyway. The 'good' thing to say to make yourself feel better.
( He makes an ambiguous sound, neither in agreement or disagreement. He doesn't think Angelo is wrong, but he doesn't think the words people are are innately insincere.
As a selfish creature himself, he understands that sometimes to give to another and to act on your own behalf can sometimes take the same form. )
... Well, who knows how we'll be returned back, after this.
( Assuming they are. But he thinks he's starting to take Ish's word for it. )
The postponement frustrates me, and all the pride I'd worked up to die with... And I haven't come away with any better conclusion than to die in his name, once I go back. It seems to be my fate, regardless.
( He's never been very good at using his time to come up with answers. He's had thousands of years since Gwawlyn's death, and he still didn't know if killing Snow and White over it was really right. )
... I don't know if Balthazar or Gwawlyn spared a thought for me when they passed. I don't know if they particularly wanted me to live on, or not. ( Selfishly, he hopes they did. ) But, I hope... your Captain did, on both counts. And I hope you can take that with you when you return. And I hope your choice, in the end, is your own.
( Even if Angelo's conclusion is one that leads him to decide, once again, on death— at least he will have this.
To Hwylryn, suicide is an innately selfish act. Even if Balthazar or Gwawlyn had wanted him to live, he would still have chosen to pass on, if with more guilt in his heart. Because escaping this pain is for him. And so - he believes Angelo should be allowed to be selfish. Even if Hwylryn wishes he might find some way to live on; even if, perhaps, his Captain wished more for him, too.
More than his own desire, he desires for Angelo to have his own choice. That's all. )
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cw suicidal ideation + actual suicide mention
... I wonder. I don't know if I want there to be.
[ Hwylryn shared his tale and that makes Angelo feel like he can give a little of himself up in turn. ]
It was my mother, first. She was broken in spirit, and I gave myself up to protect her. I knew she wouldn't return, and I still somehow held onto hope that she'd come home back to me if I held on long enough - that's the naivety of a child. She chose to fly from the second story balcony instead.
[ His burden, falling from him out of her own volition. How kind of her. How utterly cruel. ]
It was the Captain who gave my hatred a place to go. He pulled me from the filth that covered me and gave me a purpose. I was a loaded gun, and he was a trigger. This whole world... If anybody could have burned it down and purified it, it was the Captain, who was so far beyond humanity.
[ And the Captain died. Angelo could not protect him either. Even with larger hands, even with a giant weapon to pilot, he still had to lose the person who's back he was longingly watching. ]
... if not him, then who? I would have given up my life for him. My life meant nothing in the face of his enormity. Without him... What's a cause to die for? Ish took my chance from me.
no subject
He sees in Angelo a loneliness that this Captain cured. His, too, Captain sounds like a wonderful man. Whether he truly was is irrelevant - what matters is that he was in Angelo's gaze. What matters is that his loss may as well mean the absence of earth beneath Angelo's feet. That is not so simple as throwing yourself to the rocks at the nearest opportunity - or they both may as well have, by now.
And these things, he understands.
Hwylryn is quiet, for a time. )
... Have you considered killing to earn a wish for his return?
no subject
Of course.
[ It can't be much of a surprise.
But then, there's something else here, something that he knows Hwy will understand with the same severity. ]
But even if I allowed Ish to taint the Captain with his magic... would he want to return?
[ ... ]
Would Balthazar?
cw suicidal ideation
He smiles a little wryly, at the questions.
He shakes his head. )
... I saved him from death the first time. Just barely, just barely... and he resented it. Maybe I did as Ish did to you, to me - I robbed him of a reason worth dying for. I took from him his pride. And I reduced him.
Balthazar... I believe he loved me, so he did not condemn me as much as he should've. But he did. And he hated it. And he hated himself. And I... I never wanted that for...
( He swallows, closing his eyes. Not for Balthazar.
Proud, noble, violent, unstoppable - the most magnificent in all the world, to Hwylryn. The best there had been since Gwawlyn's passing - a sort of idolatry he would not pass on lightly, and did not for thousands and thousands of years, until Balthazar came along. )
... It must have been why Balthazar was so ready to find a cause to die for again. He must have just been biding his time.
( At least - that's what he's come to understand from his conversations with the people here. And it hurts, more, to assign himself this guilt, and shame.
It's enough to wish he lacked the reservation to end his life the coward's way. )
... So I cannot wish for Balthazar and Gwawlyn. And I don't know if I could recommend it for your Captain, either.
( And so he understands Angelo, in this regard.
He exhales softly. )
... If it were that easy to turn back time... for him, or any of us... I'm sure Ish would have done it for his goddess.
no subject
[ It's difficult to not see himself in Ish with this specific element. A goddess, a mother - an existence so essential to your being, someone who gives you purpose and direction, someone who fulfills you.
And this is exactly why he's been doubting that Ish can give him Frontal back at all. Leaving him aimless, purposeless, empty but living. ]
And so we remain without a cause to live or die for.
[ Miserable. ]
no subject
( What else is left but this soft admission of defeat? He feels too fragile to live, but too prideful to die. He's at odds with need and necessity. There is no world where - Gwawlyn or Balthazar return, again.
And yet. )
... Have people tried to tell you to live on, anyway, too?
no subject
[ Because Angelo is unpleasant and curt and angry, someone difficult to get along with. He hasn't made close ties in his time here by virtue of just who he is, the perfect opposite of Hwylryn who likely could not have helped forming some amount of bonds. ]
It's all platitudes anyway. The 'good' thing to say to make yourself feel better.
no subject
As a selfish creature himself, he understands that sometimes to give to another and to act on your own behalf can sometimes take the same form. )
... Well, who knows how we'll be returned back, after this.
( Assuming they are. But he thinks he's starting to take Ish's word for it. )
The postponement frustrates me, and all the pride I'd worked up to die with... And I haven't come away with any better conclusion than to die in his name, once I go back. It seems to be my fate, regardless.
( He's never been very good at using his time to come up with answers. He's had thousands of years since Gwawlyn's death, and he still didn't know if killing Snow and White over it was really right. )
... I don't know if Balthazar or Gwawlyn spared a thought for me when they passed. I don't know if they particularly wanted me to live on, or not. ( Selfishly, he hopes they did. ) But, I hope... your Captain did, on both counts. And I hope you can take that with you when you return. And I hope your choice, in the end, is your own.
( Even if Angelo's conclusion is one that leads him to decide, once again, on death— at least he will have this.
To Hwylryn, suicide is an innately selfish act. Even if Balthazar or Gwawlyn had wanted him to live, he would still have chosen to pass on, if with more guilt in his heart. Because escaping this pain is for him. And so - he believes Angelo should be allowed to be selfish. Even if Hwylryn wishes he might find some way to live on; even if, perhaps, his Captain wished more for him, too.
More than his own desire, he desires for Angelo to have his own choice. That's all. )